Got it!
Bad fuel pump was the culprit. Per the advice given here, I tested the fuel system better. Found that gas was only barely weeping from the top line when I pulled it off and cranked it. It was enough that I got fooled the previous day, but not nearly enough gas to run. Definitely explained a lot.
In town I picked up a new pump for $18. Got it installed in about an hour. A little gas poured in the carb to get her started, a little accelerator pedal to clear the sinuses, and she started breathing again. And MUCH better than before! Extremely noticeable improvement in throttle response and overall power. Wow.
Next time I'm in town I'll be getting some new rubber to replace all the lines with, a new filter for the q-jet (I had the wrong size on hand), and additionally a transparent in-line filter so I can see my fuel without taking things apart.
Things I learned from this thread:
1) Don't panic when you're not sure what the problem is. I ended up ripping out my entire wiring job for my lights under the assumption that I had done something wrong with it. I have to put it all in again now, when it was fine to begin with. So effectively doubling my work time for no reason whatsoever.
2) Be thorough with diagnosing. Even when you're pressed for time before work, etc. don't half-ass your diagnosis. I looked in the carb, smelled gas and saw wet spots, so I assumed everything was working. It wasn't until later after a more detailed breakdown that I realized my pump wasn't giving enough fuel. In the long run, I actually would have saved myself time if I'd just looked better in the first place. Instead, I dicked around with the ignition for a day when I didn't need to.
3) ALWAYS remember the basic mantra: Fuel, compression, spark. Fuel, compression spark...and check them. Really check them. LOL. Don't start looking for gremlins until you're sure that you have all three.
Thanks to everyone who gave me the good advice. Hopefully this embarrassing thread will help someone in the future who has a similar problem.
