Stop. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath, and feast your eyes on the most wicked pieces of American Badass you have ever seen in your life. I will tell you right now that if you are a Starbucks drinking environmentalist, if your other car is a Prius, or a solar powered liberal mobile, if you think we are all safer if nobody owned a handgun, or if you have used the adjective adorable at all today, then you need to close this window and look for another vehicle. (And grow a pair) If you are a beer drinking, red blooded American, that has a beard, Chews tobacco, dreams of wrestling an Alaskan grizzly bear, and wants the most bad ass truck on the road, then keep reading. This truck is like the deadliest catch. . . without the crabs.
Now that I have your attention, you need to ask yourself one question. Are you ready for a truck with this much testosterone? Well, are you? Just to let you know, the sheer presence of this Suburban is enough to make Chuck Norris pee his pants. Take a look at these pictures. Yes, it is staring back at you. Now go change your underwear and continue reading. What my friend is more reliable than an American 454 big block nuclear power plant, with a carburetor the size of Rosanne Arnold's big ass? Nothing can be more reliable, because it is backed by the great turbo 400. What is cooler that having a transmission with the designation of turbo in front of it?!?! Fuel mileage you ask? If you are concerned about fuel mileage, check your phone, because your boyfriend is on the other end of the line. Air conditioning?!?! Yeah, front and rear but who needs it? Roll all four windows down, breath some fresh air, and let the wind blow through your beard.
There is nothing this Suburban cannot do. Is that a dually 14bolt corporate axle you ask? Yes sir, along with the bullet proof Dana 60. So ask yourself. When was the last time you had a vehicle that could do all of the following: tow a John Deer 8270R, bass boat, duck boat, and a trailer full of walrus meat. . .. At the same time? Burbzilla can do it. It will do while hauling five of your beer drinking buddies, and all of their gear, with a couple of dogs in the back. When you get back, open all the doors, fire up your gas powered pressure washer and let her rip. This juggernaut has drain holes in it so the blood of the buffalo you just killed can run out. That's right, it has a no frills, no bs interior. The custom made front and rear seat covers are weather proof, and the carpet has been removed. What else is this behemoth capable of? Unless you are completely blind or slightly retarded you have probably noticed that it is a 4 wheel drive vehicle. I have been told from the previous owner that it once literally traveled to hell and back. Lucifer himself was left crying like a pansy.
Pull up a chair and read this closing paragraph. These wheels are slightly used. When I say slightly, I warn you a bit of caution, for what you are about to read is about as serious as it gets. The tire and wheel package was removed from a real military HUMVEE. These 36 inch tires wrapped around DOT legal bead-lock wheels were carrying American soldiers through enemy territory when a grenade immobilized the HUMVEE. The soldiers and HUMVEE were saved with an airstrike from good ole uncle sam. These tires under this Suburban have rolled American soldiers through enemy territory, and saved their lives. Gentleman, if I had been born with tear ducts, I'd probably use them right now. True story. Now if you can tell me what is more American than this piece of grit iron American History, you sir are a man among men.
I will have to give a word of caution to whomever may purchase this steel juggernaut that the following will happen:
• Your beard will grow longer
• You will only eat meat
• You will get a T-rex for a pet
• You may start to think you are a lumberjack
• You will wipe your ass with sandpaper
• Brush your teeth with a wire brush
• Your wife will be hotter
• You will get women on the side
• Your wife will keep your beer fridge fully stocked
• You will have sex with your wife in the garage
• You will make more money
• You will want to hunt and kill every animal known to man
• George bush will be your neighbor
• You will fill your garage with Snap On tools
• You will learn to weld
• You will listen to nothing but Waylon Jennings
• You will get a second freezer to keep you game meat and fish
• You will dip Copenhagen snuff
• You will keep a .45 on you at all times
• People will want to be you
If you can handle this all American chariot of the free world. Please respond. If not, your yoga instructor is calling.
Please note, I will not sell to LSU fans. Go Rebels.
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but the window goes up and down. 
